Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
How does one acquire holy water?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
