It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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