Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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