She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize