Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
this beer tastes like vomit already
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize