does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
