I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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