As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
