I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize