R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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