So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
