I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
