i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
