Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
