you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
try to milk me bitch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
