I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
