paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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