Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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