i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I don't deserve a penis
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
