I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
