I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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