So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
