I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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