Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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