Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize