the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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