I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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