Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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