The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
