my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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