maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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