i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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