Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Still dying that you shit outside
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
