Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
