Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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