took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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