3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
