She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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