Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
