you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
