Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
