Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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