And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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