My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
