I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
