all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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