Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I see more hoeing in ur future
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