now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he fucked my hip out of place.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
