i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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