no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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