You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
