I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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