If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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