You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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