He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
