Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
