My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
