she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
