dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
