a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
