I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
