Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
